I better post this before all this emotion will fade and lie dormant until it will come and haunt me again. It's something I wish to express, but you don't have to empathize my plight. There is no point.

Today I was again being foolish. I was waiting someone to come online, but I guess it won't happen. I'm fully aware of my action, yet I stubbornly placed aside my common sense and clung desperately on "hope". I guess I'll never learn. It's like addiction to drugs, knowing that it has lots of negative consequences, but yet not trying to quit because of the temporary "happiness" someone will feel.

In a dark room, I was standing there. Somehow I managed to escape the blinding lights for a short while and regained some senses. Then I realised, it's better to be swallowed by darkness than foolishly blinded by the light. I want the darkness to engulf my fears, my emotions, my feelings and thoughts. Take them all and leave a nearly empty shell just enough to get past life. Life, is simply nothingness.

I base my source of motivation on a certain person who makes me feel strongly. But yet, it scratches my heart and deepens the wound. After 6 months of foolishly believing that I could find solace in thee, I gave up. There was no security, no trust, nothing. It was a bed of thorns I had been sleeping on and the thorns grew longer and sharper as time passed. It impaled my body deeply, and blood and tears soiled the bed. Getting off was extremely excruciating. I was covered with wounds that healed painfully. And each ugly scar left behind showed each mistake I've made, and there was no way to erase or repent them.

As I tried to find someone who can be that source of motivation, I got betrayed. And then more hurtful truths were uncovered. Now, my almost non-existent soul wander aimlessly, restless and injured. There are others who are close, yet I'm distant to them. I do not wish to get them involved in my misdemeanors.

Then, the introvert I am trying to force others to understand me... But in the end making me even more distant from them. I can't stop forcing things on others which they will never accept. The hypocrite I am always try to be the one giving "good advices". Yet, I'm making the same mistakes as others. I would always tell others to face their problem confidently, yet I'm cowardly running away, avoiding them and not brave enough to face someone. I'm filled with hatred as my unrequited love was never expressed. I always thought it was the best not to mention it, for fear of experiencing failure and rejection or even ruining the relationship. Yet, I broke it into many pieces (of shattered glass and broken red threads) with my own bare hands. There is no going back and regret is too late.

Overly attached? Yes I am. I can never seem to process information well and often misinterpret. Why can't I seem to forget conversations and embarrassments? Why can't I use the memory space to fill up with revision notes? Why am I such an idiot?

I feel like crying, pouring out those negative thoughts bottled up within me like folded paper stars in a transparent glass bottle sealed with a cork. Yet, I don't find a need to. My own pride contradicts with common sense, and other aspects... I guess that's how it is. Contradiction. The only thing I can do exceptionally well. Ironic isn't it? Heh, I don't make any ****ing sense.

I guess I put up different fronts to people. Moodiness? Maybe. To those who read this, please be careful. I might end up hurting you unintentionally in the future. But, as long as my sanity is present, I will try to be as loyal, dedicated as possible. I might end up as those b**** or arses that we all complain about, but when the time comes, I hope you will forgive my actions and remove the hatred and sadness...

After all, someome told me that I've changed. (For better or worse, it's up to you to interpret.)

P.S. I shall my keep my sanity for as long as possible so that I won't fully turn into what Moringo has become.

#ApologeticConfession